In the middle of the night...

I go blogging.

Another 3am wake-up for me...I wonder what it is like for 'normal' people who can sleep for an entire 6-8 hours on their own. I think to myself, 'self, is that really something people do, sleep an entire night without waking up? Weird!' The only time I could say this was true was when I was pregnant, goodness I could sleep 12 hours. In fact, that reminds me when CC and I carpooled that year, I would pick him up from work and fall asleep in the car then come home and go right to bed. Pregnancy was one of the most interesting experiences of my life.

Now that I have my body back (not my size, my hormones...we are officially finished with breast feeding) I have all my irregular functionalities, I.e. sleep deficiencies, zits (which is new since baby, thanks for that new awesome treat), and anxiety. My brain never stops working. Now that I am not preoccupied with producing milk all my crazy worrys are back. It doesn't help that it is finals at school and I really have no idea what to do when I am finished. Do I work in this new field, do I stay at my state job with 21 days of vacation and 16 holidays? Do I take a break and discover myself, college grad, mom, wife, employee, sister, friend, daughter or do I go and become the person I just spent the last three years creating? oh, not to mention...am I even going to graduate? Ahhhhh....

Loves and hugs-welcome to 1% of my craziness.
Erin

Where to begin....

Two days before my girl's first birthday she started day care. I think CC had a hard time with it since this was the first time his routine has changed. His stay at home dad days are over. Now, comes the stress of coordinating drop off and pick up. I still have 3 weeks of school and approximately 30 hours to finish 'volunteering', plus, my work schedule varies on a day-to-day basis. I might work early in the morning or I might have to work in the evening. STRESS! Baby G does great at day care. She loves the KIDS! Miss Social Butterfly hardly fusses when I drop her off she is excited to see the kids.

Not only is she social she is extremely independant. On the weekends we like to lounge around the house and watch tv in the bedrroom. In the past, we could get her to drink her milk with us. Now she just wants down to play. I guess my cuddles are over.

A few updates on the sweet girl.
-28.5 inches long
-16.3 lbs (yes -5%)
-She is cutting her top two teeth
-Eats  everything in site except sweets
-Still sleeps through the night
-Wears 3-6 or 6-9 month clothes depending on the brand

The doctor isn't worried about her size yet because she still curving on the bell chart...just because she is 'off the chart' doesn't really matter too him because she is curving. If you have ever met CC he is a skinny guy and eats garbage all day long....please pray she has his metabolism...not mine.

Loves and hugs--stay tuned for an update on the 1st birthday party.
Erin

Blessed

When I think about the stress it took to have a baby it is hard to believe that was real. This baby is such a gift! She makes me smile and every day. She has one of the cutest personalities that I have every met. I know I say that all of the time but it is true.

Loves and hugs---I hope you all get to meet her someday...she is a special person.
Erin

Awake

It is 4:41 AM and I have been awake since 3:30 AM...why? I have no idea, I think it is because I do not do well with the time change. Never have, never will.  

I have been reading some new blogs...friends of friends blogs...and crying. We all have diffcult situations and mine seem almost superficial compared to some of these stories. I know God is in control and we are given different challenges to face and for that I am grateful. Looking back one year our world was in a huge tailspin. CC's work situation was extremely upsetting and I was due any day. And now that situation was probably our greatest blessing. He was able to stay home with Brek for the 1st year of her life! How lucky for him to have this time with her. 

At church yesterday we were speaking with a Pastor about doing a mission trip in March or September. I am getting really excited about this possibility and hope we can swing it. It would require us to leave B for 11-14 days....I am not sure about that but maybe it is just what we need ...God will show us what He has in store for us!

Brek updates....

• She crawls on all fours...one day she just decided to do it 
• She crawls up the stairs, fast
• Still a very good eater
• She loves the nursery at church because she gets to play with the kids. Good thing because next week we are going to daycare for our first time.
• She is still skinny but looks healthy to me
• She LOVES her dad
• I love her more than I can express. In fact, right now it is taking all I have to not wake her up to hold her and play with her.
• At the end of the night when she is asleep I talk about her all night and how fun she is
• She offically has stopped nursing... On Halloween she nursed for 1 minute and decided she was done with it. She hasn't tried since and I am ok with it. I wanted to nurse her through the winter but she was done and so am I.
• She still has no interest in walking. She will stand up leaning on things but has no balance. In time she will figure it out. I am in no rush and I really am not worried about it either.

Loves and hugs---Time to try to catch a few zzzz's I have to work soon.

Erin

Getting closer

Last Sunday my daughter turned 11 months! Can you believe it? Where has the time gone? She is one of the funniest people I know. She is in LOVE with Chica and Miss Chica still wants nothing to do with her, unless it is dinner time. We had our pictures done by Cat Palmer, a local photographer a couple of weeks ago and this is the closest we could get the two of them.

She is getting bigger every day, we are already in 3-6 month clothes! I am not sure where she puts all of her food--that girl is an eater! Cory started feeding her more protein to keep her full but she still eats a ton. She likes eggs, chicken, beef, turkey burger, turkey, fruit, cheese, crackers, milk, milk, milk.

Speaking of milk, I have milk envy. Many of my friends nurse their kids and they can pump 40 oz a day...are you kidding? I only ever pumped 20 on a good day. I cannot believe I lasted as a nursing mom as long as I did. I stopped pumping about 2 months ago but I still nurse at Breakfast and Dinner. I cannot tell you how much better my life is not tied to that stupid pump. I am glad I did it but looking back...oh man! Honestly, if I ever did it again (have a baby) I would nurse, for sure! But I am going to lie it was hard...I know everyone has different circumstances but I am here to tell you if you only do half the things I did this year with a newborn, you can do it!

Loves and hugs--Just wanted you to see my cute girls.
Erin

Just a thought...

“Just an observation: it is impossible to be both grateful and depressed. Those with a grateful mindset tend to see the message in the mess. And even though life may knock them down, the grateful find reasons, if even small ones, to get up.”   ― Steve Maraboli

Loves and hugs--Finding inspiration during my day, ROCKS!
Erin

Love

Since B has joined our family church has been, well let's say, irregular at best. I am half-way through my last semester (EVER, I hope) and my stress level is spinning out of control. At times like this I always feel I need to be closer to God. So, we go to church. Even with a cranky baby. Even when the nursery isn't open. We go.

This week I was only able to be part of worship and it got me thinking about God. God loves us. Adores us. No. Matter. What. Phew, that was close. Now that I am a mom, looking at the love that God has for us has changed. Not His love for us but my view. I have a baby girl that I LOVE, unconditionally. There are days that I want to burst because I adore her so much. Jesus, he feels that way about each one of us! Can you believe it? We are that lucky to have someone love us just like that?


Loves and hugs-Someday, we are going to be in His presenence and feel that love--live and in person! I cannot wait.

Erin

Compartmentalizing

My life’s goal has been to live a balanced life. You know what I am talking about, right? Life is a wheel and you live equally in all areas or your wheel then life is balanced. Suppose, that one person has so many areas that each piece becomes smaller and smaller, pretty soon you really don’t need to spend time balancing them all because there are so many and the wheel keeps rolling, or should I say speeding through the universe? 

Well, I suppose right now in this moment my life is balanced. Just not what I have dreamed of…

In my profession we call it compartmentalizing,” is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves. Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states.” This is where I have been living for the past year!

So is it healthy that I know this and cannot stop or would it be better to not know?

Loves and hugs—The things that make you go hmmm.
Erin

Blue

There are times in life when you cannot take anymore. I daresay that today maybe that day.

I love a good Christian ficition novel and have lost myself in one this weekend. The scene was really sad, a mother just got beaten badly and her husband and son were murdered. One of her friends asked if she lost faith in the Lord because sometimes people turn away from Him when times are bad. She said, "I had a moment or two when I was hurting so I could hardly pray, and that is the time when the Lord Himself prays for me."

Loves and hugs-He is praying for me because I don't think I have the words.
Erin

10 Months

My baby girl is 10 months (yesterday)!

She loves to eat!
*Peaches
*Chicken
*Cheese
*Blueberries
*Veggies
*We still nurse for breakfast and dinner
*Still no 'sugar' unlesss it is in food

She army crawls everywhere and she is FAST. She says bye bye, mama, dada, yay. Still very social and hilarious.

Loves and hugs--Her mom is planning her birthday party. YIKES
Erin

What to do?

I just read a friend's post about losing the baby weight. Yeah, I have a long way to go. Not only do I still have baby weight to lose I still have my infertility weight to go! My mind wants to go to the gym but my body and schedule won't allow it.

I am now one of the people that wishes away time...and I don't like it. But it is my reality. I have 14 weeks of school, 189 hours of practicum, 11 weeks of driving to Draper, 8 assignments, 2 video assignmentts, 1 test, and 1 portfolio to go! Then I am FINISHED....FINALLY!

2013 is the year of reconnection. We have started our list of all the things we haven't been able to do and I am getting reallly excited for the light at the end of my tunnel. One of the first things will be getting in shape! Then all of the things that have been pushed to the back burner will start happening.

Loves and hugs-The list is growing and I hope to be shrinking.
Erin

Party Girl

I swear this was the weekend for the drive-in! On facebook a friend in South Salt Lake and one in California were at the drive-in on Saturday night. I suppose all the cool people got the memo, LOL!

CC suggested we go so we did. I still have hours, and hours, and hours to finish before December 15^th but I also have a family with needs. I decided if we went to the drive-in I could sleep in and volunteer after. Well, let’s just say, I slept in, and then I never even put pants on. We all (including  B) lounged around the house ALL day! We call Brek a party girl when she doesn’t get ready for the day.

The latest things she has been doing…

*She was having separation issues for a few weeks but it seems to be over now! Hooray!

*She ‘army’ crawls all over the house!

*She says ba-by and waves-Adorable!

*She is officially a chatter box (has been for sometime)

*Still in 3-6 and 6-9 month clothes.

*She has BLONDE hair so she appears bald.

*Breast feeding is starting to come to an end. I have accepted it (a little). I still try but we did start supplementing one meal a day. I use to pump 15-20 oz a day, now we are lucky if I come home with 5 oz in a day. Plus, we have started the wrestling match that is ever so present at this age. Sometimes I just want to give up—but I don’t! My work schedule is starting to pick up and I will have to visit schools at 7 AM in SLC so that means I won’t have as much time in the AM to nurse or pump. What to do…I suppose she is almost 10 months and it would be ok if I stopped but I am going to keep trying until there is no hope.

I finish school in 16 weeks! (Hopefully, FOREVER!!!!) We are surviving my schedule but let’s see how the next 16 weeks go. I am very excited about what 2013 will bring for our family. Wishing time away is not healthy and I know it but I need to survive this year so I can start on my Year of Reconnection! I am hopeful that 2013 will allow us time to reconnect as husband and wife, mother and father, mother and daughter, plus our families, friends, health, and traveling!

Loves and hugs-Here’s to surviving one more semester!

Erin

Rejection

I love me some KLOVE in the morning! The other day I was listening and the morning show host was telling a story about rejecting the rejection. Sometimes people will reject us for no reason, do we accept it or do we reject it. I desperately want to be the person to reject it. However, that is easier said than done. Ugh.   

This week CC received a rejection letter from a potential employer and it hurt bad, real bad. What are you supposed to do when your livelihood depends on this one scenario? How do you recover? How do you deal with rejection every day, multiple times a day?

Of course the Christian in me says, pray. God is in control. So I pray, and then I get frustrated and try to take control. As I am writing this my favorite hymn “How Great Thou Art” is playing in the background. It is a divine intervention showing me that He is with me. But it is hard, real hard.

Then I wonder….when we look back on our life what lessons we are learning from our situation will they seem so overwhelming when we are five years removed? Or, will we get completely lost in our situation and never recover. Are we supposed to be finding new dreams? Are our dreams not the plan for us?

Loves and hugs—My year’s theme is not being well executed this year!

Erin

Oh No!

Brek has decided to push herself into a sitting position. Last night she was having a rough night and started crying. When we went to get her up she was sitting up in her crib. We have been waiting and waiting for her to advance and now that it has happened it made me realize that this is just the beginning. Oh no!

The other night we had chicken stir fry for dinner we gave Brek some on her tray and she gobbled it up. Which is great because I am having issues again with my milk. I fear that we are going to have to supplement in the not so distant future. We currently have 10 oz in the fridge and 15 in the freezer. Clearly that is not enough to get us very far. Now that we know she loves stir fry we are going to try to add a 'lunch' meal in the day so she will be satisfied a little longer. The great news is when I nurse her she seems satisfied and I haven't had much trouble.Hopefully, I can keep feeding her well into the winter.

Loves and hugs--She is growing up so fast!
Erin

Breky B

I frequently visit all of your blogs and I think they haven’t updated in a while. Then I look at my last entry and think, how about you Erin, you need to update yours too! You all know when I haven’t updated it is ALL over the place so stick with me.

First things first, Brek girl is ADORABLE! She is so animated and pulls the most hilarious faces. Everyone is drawn to her because her personality is amazing. Even when she hasn’t napped all day she still smiles and hides it well. It looks like sweet little B is going to be outgoing. (Where or where would she get that from…not us!) 

My very crunchy friend Rikki introduced us to Baby Lead Weaning and Brek has been eating solids for a few months (She is 8 months already!) We are very lazy about giving her food but when we do it is usually a vegetable, some fruit, and her very favorite, Cheerios.  There have been many emails and texts to Rikki keeping me focused and encouraged about breastfeeding. I now know why mothers do not make it very long. IT IS HARD! I barely pump enough to survive but by the Grace of God I make enough to feed her. Not that I want to wish time away, it goes so fast already but we are talking less than four months of pumping, I got this!

A few of Brek’s milestones so far:

-Has her two bottom teeth. (I wonder if she is always going to be an overachiever, couldn’t she just do it one at a time?)

-She rolls and rolls and rolls but hasn’t shown much interest in crawling yet.

-Started swimming lessons last week, today is her last day.

-To date has not had one jar of baby food! HOORAY!

- Desperately wants to be friends with Chica, now that she drops food Chica is warming up to her.

-Has had her first manicure/pedicure (Look again, did you notice her nails are done?)

-This morning she waved goodbye to me! ADORABLE!

-She still wears 3-6 month clothes.

-She has her dad wrapped around her little finger...and if  I must be honest, her mom too.

That girl is awesome and amazes me every day! She fits perfectly in our family! I want what is best for her and will make sure I will always be the best I can so she never has to feel hurt or rejection.  

Loves and hugs-In 20 weeks I will be finished with school…forever? I hope!

Erin

Busy Busy Busy

One of my favorite people on Earth posted an article she read about people always talking about how busy they are…well, it is annoying…and then I looked in the mirror and said, you are annoying! Because I AM GUILITY …so guilty.  (here you go if you want the full guilt trip-http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/?smid=tw-s) 

Then, there is another one of my favorite people on Earth, she is the Emergency Service Director at the Red Cross (this nonprofit has a very special place in my heart), that has been basically working 24/7 because Utah is on fire, literally, on fire. I would bet that if you asked her “how she is,” she never once would say she was ‘busy’. 

This article really put a few things in perspective for me. Yes, we are all busy but what are we trying to get? Sympathy? Respect? Honor? Just be aware of how off putting a simple statement could be.  I do.

My blogging has been few and far between so you get the benefit of two posts in one!

I had a realization the other day. I am stagnate, complacent, just plain surviving. I NEED AN ‘EAT LOVE PRAY Moment’ to change my life. I am not sure what it will be but I am figuring it out! I have a friend that has done something I could never do in a million years…she sold her car. She is using only bikes and public transportation to get everywhere. She has only been doing for a couple of weeks and she blogs about it…That to me is an “Eat Love Pray Moment”  it has to be something BIG,  a little scary and something that challenges you to the core.

I hope I can figure out my moment. December…is when things will change...I hope…and I can have time to figure out my moment.

Loves and hugs—have you ever thought about your “Eat Love Pray Moment?”

Erin